Becoming me after feeling lost | #RockingMummyLife

Motherhood, Parenting
becoming me after feeling lost for 3 years being just mummy - doing things for me - couch to 5k c25k, organising, tidying, being us, date night, friends
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It’s a New Year and a time to set goals for the year (or resolutions if that’s your thing). I actually did this back in November. I was feeling exhausted and stuck, feeling like there was no me left, I was just mummy lost in a world of mummy things. Go here, do this, wash this never ending washing basket of clothes. No time to paint my nails, no time to have a hot cup of tea. Two kids are hard work, but I think it’s the threenager who got to me most, and possibly breastfeeding doesn’t help. Half the time I was feeling like I didn’t have time to wash my hair never mind dye it and, gosh, definitely no time to go to the hair dresser and have someone else do it. Hubby would of course have been happy to look after Toddler H while I did this, but we seemed to have things on at weekends, or things we wanted to do as a family – swimming or family walks. Yes enjoyable things, but nothing just for me. I felt pulled in all directions but in reality it was my mindset “I am mummy, I must be mummy all the time” I also felt that as I’m a stay at home mummy it’s not fair to ask hubby to do things as he’s been at work, being stressed and meeting deadlines, his own problems. We also have a list as long as his arm of house decorating and diy things to do.

It all came to a head in November before swimming when Toddler H sat flicking her milk soaked cereal across the room. Why? Because I wanted to” she answered. Then as we left, Baby B did the hugest poonami, up to her neck, down her legs. I cried. I cried and cried. When asked what’s wrong I said “everything”. It had been mounting. I was picked up by a swimming friend, and knew things had to change, I wasn’t happy I had to find me time and not be so consumed by everything else, everything mummy.

#Christmas is coming early in our house. I need the sparkles, the glitter, the carols, the happiness, the something to look forward to that glosses over my (big) baby turning 3 next week. Her tiredness lately is getting to me. I'm struggling. Small things are becoming big and she cries at everything. She's shattered and that makes me shattered. This morning was bad. Cereal was thrown, why? Because she "just wanted to", a full back poonami as we were then leaving put me over the edge. Amazing friends were amazing. Thank you for picking me up from my tears. Thank you for telling me to buy a sparkly top. Getting to swimming, even for only 10 minutes was worth it. Staying in the house never is. Never. A bit of retail therapy with a trip to the new @joulesclothing in @gloucesterquays (missed out on a goody bag though as the car park was full – booo) and a quick stop in Sainburys where I picked up this cheery, glittery, snowy, skiing polar bear top was the next solution I needed. All the things I love. So, with that I decided, she will be three, and we'll have a fab party, but it's Christmas time and that's what I'm looking forward to. ๐ŸŽ„ Christmas = fun and that's what we need. And hopefully snow. โ˜ƒ #mummyblogger #sahm #parentingishard #coffee #christmasjumper #christmastop #sainburys #friends #mummyfriends #ukparentblogger

A post shared by Lynne @ New Mummy Blog (@newmummyblog) on

Becoming me again 

A couple of nights later a few mummy’s from H’s swimming class arranged a night out and I was thrilled, we went, we ate and chatted and it was amazing. I should add these mummy’s are amazing friends who have been there for nearly three years since our little ones started swimming at 3 months old. It was one of these ladies who picked me up and told me to just cry. Cry and get it out, the best advice there is.

This had also been my first night out on my own since B was born, 6 months and the first time I’d left her for any real amount of time – 1 hour in August was the only other time.  The first time I hadn’t done bedtime. To be honest it was a lot longer than 6 months since I’d been out, it might have been a year, so yes it was needed.

I immediately said to my other friends lets arrange something and we did. A couple of weeks later we went out for dinner. It was amazing. I actually drove my friend home just to drive on my own, listen to the radio and sing along. I think I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve driven on my own in the last year, and to be fair it’s not much higher if I include the last three.

I needed to feel like me. I definitely didn’t feel like there was any me left, and I certainly wasn’t #rockingmummylife. I felt I couldn’t keep up with everything and as Toddler H had started a couple of hours of playschool I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. A lot of things had dropped and I felt like I hadn’t managed to keep up. After lots of bad days, tantrums from H, poonamis every day, baby grows constantly being stain-removed or binned because I just couldn’t be bothered, I felt everything was wrong, much worse than it actually was. Mums everywhere have these realisations and it’s just at what point you realise. I knew I’d been building to this unsure if I was coping or just surviving, I don’t like sitting crying or considering not going out and so it didn’t take long for me to make changes.

Most of all I didn’t feel like there was any me left. I do blogging for me, but I don’t feel like me. I painted my nails to go on that swimming night out and afterwards I realised I felt happy just seeing my painted nails, a reminder I had a minute to paint them and they looked pretty. I realised I needed to make more ‘me’ effort. (there’s a bit more about what happened on the day I cried in the caption to this photo…)

Hubby had been talking of doing a 10k and I’d been thinking I’d like to run, but I can’t: I don’t have time, I can’t leave the girls, I can’t run with the girls. But then I realised I CAN. I can put them in the Out n About and do it. I have to, I started trying to run just before falling pregnant with H. Being able to do it would get me back.

Us time

The next thing I realised was that hubby and I had been in a blur, a blur of family and being four. Amazing, but we need to be us too. I love my blog but it does take up time and my time in the evenings. I also knew hubby and I needed to get that balance right. We often sit with our laptops watching TV, me blogging, him doing his projects.

It sounds like I was out all the time last year, until that swimming dinner out I hadn’t. In early December hubby and I had dinner out, just us, while my parents babysat. It was amazing, we felt like us again and that was the catalyst we needed to realise the blur we’d been in. If we run together that will be us time too. Goals for us. We’re also hopeful for a night away soon, just us. I just have to be brave. The girls will be ok… In reality, it’s my parents who might not! 

Organising

I know New Year is always about having a big throw out and getting organised. But it felt even more necessary, I hate being cluttered. I like things to have a place. Lots of things don’t have a place in our house and it’s been two years since we moved. We’ve been in a muddle ever since. I see it day in, day out but no time to sort it. I love being organised and we need to sort it out ASAP. We managed a lot towards the end of the year, and hubby sorted and decorated Baby B’s room. We still have quite a bit to do, so, as H is now in playschool two days a week, that’s top of my agenda. Ikea and Argos here I come!

We’ve also set about redoing our cloakroom as it was so un-us. I can’t wait for it to be finished. Decorating and sorting has made a huge difference this last couple of weeks… and our to do list seems to expand every day as we realise what sort of kitchen we’d like, which flooring to change next… This feels exciting and something hubby and I thrive on. Yes the list goes on, but after a huge throw out we’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We, ok I, see the finished product in my head. I can’t wait to share the cloakroom with you and also Baby B’s room once I’ve finished with the finishing touches.

We’ve also got a plan to update Toddler H’s bedroom which we decorated for her when she was just turned one, now she’s three she has her own likes and dislikes so it seems right to update it. It will be a mishmash of her favourite themes but she’ll love it!

So onwards for 2018, I see more me time and feeling like me. More home posts on Instagram, and adding plants and niknaks to make our house our home. Things I look at and smile. Not just surrounded by plastic kids toys and clutter.

Me-wise, I’d love to develop my photography, it’s something I really loved before Toddler H was born. I’ve just ordered some lenses for my phone which I hope to have fun using and experimenting with. And, well, the couch to 5k is a whole new challenge. I feel invigorated to get me back, and us back, and feel I’m #rockingmummylife.

COUCH TO 5K ๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿป We DID IT! Hubby and I have been for our first #couch25k run! It wasn't bad either. Even with the buggy. Actually we thought we had more to run so had to walk the equivalent of two runs home ๐Ÿ˜‚ Feel amazing now, and can't wait for the next run…. Well a hot chocolate when we got home helped as it's ABSOLUTELY FREEZING out โ„๏ธ Hats and gloves are a must next time. Any other recommendations pro #runners? By pro, I mean anyone who's run more than one run!! Come on 2018 we're going to get going and start being us more. I need to feel like me, and doing this feels like it is for me, and fab hubby is doing it too (his aim is to do a 10k this year). Of course having H in the buggy meant she kept shouting "we're running to London!" – we've no idea why ๐Ÿ˜‚ and Baby B fell asleep ๐Ÿ’ค There's a bit more over on the blog about why I'm doing this couch to 5k and ways I'm trying to find myself again and not 'just be mummy'. Link below โฌ‡๏ธ or in bio โฌ†๏ธ http://www.newmummyblog.com/becoming-me-after-feeling-lost-rockingmummylife . . . . . . . #rockingmummylife #2018goals #2018resolutions #running #5ktraining #coolmumclub #snaphappybritmums #family #familyrun #sunday #mysundayphoto

A post shared by Lynne @ New Mummy Blog (@newmummyblog) on

I know I’m not the only mummy who wants to find themselves again, lots of us have these blips, so, if you have any tips please do share in the comments or on social

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To keep me going I’m starting a guest series: 5 ways to be me after becoming a mummy – my post will be live tomorrow. Email me if you want to take part – just a simple list of 5 things with a few words if you wish. 

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14 Comments

  • Reply
    Helen
    January 10, 2018 at 10:23 am

    This is so so important and I’m so glad you enjoyed your night out – what may seem like something little to some can be such a big deal to others. I also feel like I’ve lost some of my identity and have no idea on how to find it again. I must make this a goal of mine for 2018 – I wish you all the success in finding yourself too ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Reply
    Sarah Howe
    January 10, 2018 at 11:33 am

    Aw I’m glad you are doing all this for you. I have started to go out more and keep up with the fitness. I think, yes you do go crazy. You deserve a break and to do things for you. Also, so important to get time with the other half. Lots of luck for 2018 and thanks for sharing with #bloggersbest x

  • Reply
    Victoria
    January 10, 2018 at 12:54 pm

    It’s great that you’re making a conscious effort to get back to being yourself again. You’ve raised some really important points too. Hopefully you keep reminding yourself to keep this up this year! Thanks for sharing x

  • Reply
    Amy - All about a Mummy
    January 10, 2018 at 5:01 pm

    You are right you go a little crazy when you have too much child company! Iโ€™m glad to hear you are doing this for yourself

  • Reply
    Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons
    January 10, 2018 at 6:45 pm

    I think we’ve been in very similar places this year, and I think it’s probably really common when you have a newborn – even more so when you have older children to worry about too. I definitely lost myself somewhere along the line, and it took me a long time to realise. I’d made it become impossible to find time for me, and to be honest, I wonder whether that’s just the case in those early days. But it’s that moment of realisation that makes you start making changes. For me, it was the realisation that I couldn’t find the words or inspiration to write about anything for the blog, because I just didn’t feel like I had anything worth sharing. I think I needed that moment to start carving out the time for me, and the time for me and my husband to be a couple too – we’ve been the same as you this year, and we’ve both vowed to focus on reconnecting with each other. I hope this year you manage to rediscover ‘you’, as well as being mummy.

  • Reply
    Claire @ The ladybirds adventures
    January 11, 2018 at 3:53 pm

    It’s tough when they are young. I think all mums can relate to this post. I hope you continue to find time for yourself.

  • Reply
    Emma
    January 11, 2018 at 4:22 pm

    It is so, so easy to lose oneself in those early months. I found I felt completely lost after having my second and I found it very difficult. It sounds like you did the best thing by reaching out and connecting with other mums, it is so important for parents to recharge in order to do their best at home for their families.

  • Reply
    Katy Stevens
    January 11, 2018 at 7:02 pm

    It sounds like you’re going to have a fantastic year ahead of you. I love organising too and I find that really helps me with feeling calm, making me time and knowing where my face masks and nice products are when I give myself some time to relax in the evenings.

  • Reply
    Jenni
    January 11, 2018 at 9:11 pm

    I know how you feel! Can’t remember the last time I managed to finish a hot cup of tea.

  • Reply
    The Pramshed
    January 16, 2018 at 7:51 am

    Well done lovely for making that huge leap! It’s so hard and I know exactly how you feel, especially when you feel like everything is on top of you and there is literally no escaping it. Here’s to a great 2018. Claire x #BigPinkLink

  • Reply
    Mess and Merlot
    January 18, 2018 at 10:59 am

    Sounds like you are on a mission!! It’s really tough with little ones around but sometimes the little things like a bunch of flowers to brighten the place up really cheer me up on a bad day. Good luck with the 5K – I did C210K last year and I am NOT a runner – you can do it, and it will feel amazing!! #coolmumclub
    Mess and Merlot recently posted…CREATIVE BLOCK – FEAR OF THE BLANK PAGEMy Profile

  • Reply
    MMT
    January 18, 2018 at 8:33 pm

    I felt quite choked up reading this; it’s hard to think of a friend getting to this point but equally I think we can all recognise reaching this point at some stage. Life with two is epic, and there is all too much potential to put yourself last. As you know, running has been a total lifter for me – something I love doing alone and listening to music in PEACE! I am terrible at arranging fun stuff though as our social calendar is often dictated by external factors, and I hate asking for babysitters. That said, I also feel the hubby and I need more us time, and I bit the bullet and asked my Mum to have the girls this saturday, during the day, for no particular reason other than we need a break, together, as a couple.
    Writing this honest and heartfelt post must have been a bold step, so thank you for letting others know it’s okay to not feel okay sometimes.
    Loads of love xxx Sarah
    PS Thanks for linking to #coolmumclub
    PSPS Wish I lived closer ๐Ÿ˜‰
    MMT recently posted…#CoolMumClub Linky week 88My Profile

  • Reply
    Laura Dove
    January 21, 2018 at 3:24 pm

    Ahh I totally relate to feeling this way. After five children I felt very lost and I still do in some ways. My blog was a great output for me but now it has become my full time job I find it stressful and it simply adds to those feelings at times! I plan on starting swimming this week and taking some ME time back!

  • Reply
    Lynne Madden
    April 11, 2018 at 8:23 am

    Totally get this! I have 5 kids including 3 with special needs and baby twins! Iโ€™m feeling a little like this right now. Planning to factor in some me time ASAP for sure !! Itโ€™s so hard as you concentrate on all the others being OK but somethingโ€™s gotta give when you reach that point of realisation. Really hope you managed to get some time out lovely ๐Ÿ˜Š xxx

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