I didn’t plan this post, or think about writing one like this. It didn’t even cross my mind until 6.30am this morning when I woke with a start gut wrenchingly awake. My head was pounding in that funny foggy awake but don’t want to be type of way and my first thought was “it’s today”. Today is the day of our gender scan. We’ve been so eager to find out if we’re having a boy or girl, the polar opposite of last time with Toddler H, we’ve booked a private one.. I think part of it is preparation, we can sort out those piles of clothes, the boxes and boxes, and vaccum bags stuffed under the spare bed, and in the loft. We can tell Toddler H she’ll have a little baby brother or sister. We can help her understand. We can know now, Ag our first opportunity. This knowing will be exciting and new and we thought a lovely thing to do as a family right be for Christmas. That’s the lovely thing about a private scan, Toddler H can come too and see her little sibling in mummy’s tummy.
However, as I said at the start our family day finding out wasn’t my instinct this morning on waking. My instinct was nerves, nerves through my body jarring me awake. What if baby isn’t ok? I haven’t felt bump move in a while, and it definitely was fluttering. The ‘pre-natal listening device’ I borrowed from a friend doesn’t hear anything (and says it doesn’t until 28 weeks or something bonkers). I led in bed, rolled over, adjusted the pillow. I tried it all. Then I realised I probably should go to the toilet, I’m pregnant and haven’t been for 6 hours. That’s just plain unheard of. I’m PREGNANT and wee every chance I get, every hour, sometimes after 10 minutes, if I have a McDonald’s. I could feel my stomach churning in the way it does when I’m nervous. I have crohns, but, sometimes I have a nervous tummy. So yes, ghe toilet helped. I definitely needed to pee! The toilet seems to solve lots of pregnancy problems, but it didn’t solve that feeling work soaring through me of “what if?” Right now, at this moment I don’t care about baby’s gender, I care that little one is ok in there. I care that their little heart is beating, that their teeny tiny heart is pounding away. I do hope it’s being a bit more sensible than mine which feels like it’s racing and about to pound out of my chest. It’s not, I count and check, it’s not fast, just feeling really really big. Like it might pound out of my chest. I hate that I get so nervous, so anxious and so unnerved. It does unsettle me and I wonder if it’s normal? I wonder if this is what everyone experiences? These feelings to your core, right through you, right in your chest and your head. Does everyone get this anxious, this anxious they convince themselves baby might not be ok? Does everyone think if baby’s not ok we’ll cope?repeating it over and over, almost becoming convinced baby isn’t ok and we WILL cope. I know I’m not going to sleep, I also know that Toddler H won’t wake for an hour, so I’ll write, I’ll vent and I’ll tell you all, that after umpteen scans (we had six or seven with H, and have had a 12 week scan with Baby #2), nerves are normal before a scan. Nerves are normal, all we all want is for our little baby to be healthy. Gender doesn’t matter, seeing that little heart flickering on the scan is what matters. I don’t know if my to-the-core anxiousness is, but if you do feel it you’re not alone. I’m right there with you.
Now, sat downstairs, I’ve put the tree lights on, Christmas songs playing and have a hot cup of tea. I’ve written my feelings and vented my thoughts.
I feel less pounding. I’m more practical, more reassured, more calm. If there is something wrong, we’ll be gutted, we’ll be devestated, but, we will deal with it as a family. We hope to our core that, as with all our previous scans we’ll see little baby happily kicking away, sucking their thumb, healthy. I always ‘see’ the worst, almost convince myself that that will be the case. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism, maybe it’s something I should talk about? Well now I have. I know hubby knows I fear the worst before scans but I’ve never given him is full run down like this, so if you’re reading hubby… This is how I feel: gut wrenchingly nervous and so so so fearful. Oh and I’ll probably be a bit grumpy (a lot), I’m sorry.
I think, I like to be in control, I like to know what’s what, what’s where and plan for every outcome. Mentally, I prepare for things, and like to know what will happen and where we’re going. This isn’t one of those days and I have to deal with it. I’ll have another cup of tea, a biscuit and get busy with something else to distract me.
Do you feel like this before scans?