A week or so ago I shared my realisation that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know what I liked, I felt like I had no hobby, nothing just for me, nothing other than my blog. And, a blog is not enough. After being immersed in a world of being mummy for three years since having Toddler H and being a stay at home mummy, I’d also become a mummy of two, I’d lost me and felt I could never do anything for me as ‘I’m mummy.’
Over a few weeks I found every little thing hard, every tantrum just made me want to cry, in Asda, in my car, on my living room floor. It just felt like Toddler H was relentless; it was all a bit too intense. Once I broke and properly cried and couldn’t stop, a friend told me to just cry and get it out. I did. I decided to go shopping to stay out of the house, to get coffee and be busy. She then told me to go and buy a sparkly top. I did. It also led me to the realise I had to stop mouching around in jeans, I had to put a bit of effort in. I had to find my own style, a new style that is me now.
After my first night out with friends since Baby B was born 6 months with friends, I realised I have to make time to be me, and have discovered a few things that are helping,. I thought of some quite quickly after that realisation and others have taken a couple of months… I’m sure I’ll find more, but for now here are a few ways I’m finding me.
2018: my new goals to finding me:
1. Find ‘my‘ style
I can bring back my scarfs, rock a denim skirt, wear something pretty. I don’t need an occasion, because if I do this every day, OK, some days, I see that gorgeous bracelet, that pretty scarf and smile. Smile to be wearing something I’ve put a teeny bit of thought into and feel I look nice. It was lovely taking a ‘proper’ bag on that night out, not a changing bag.
2. Couch to 5k
I’ve started jogging a couple of times before, the first time work got in the way, the second, I fell pregnant with Toddler H and so I stopped. Now, I’d love to be one of those running mummies. A simple hobby, one that doesn’t involve going anywhere, one I can even do with the pushchair. So on Sunday hubby and I did our first couch to 5k run… we loved it. I’m hoping for 5km, he’s aiming for 10k so we’ll do some runs together, getting us time to and a joint new hobby, and other runs separately.
Our house hasn’t been properly unpacked, we’ve just moved Baby B into her room and the study stuff is having to move into the spare bedroom. It’s all been chaotic. We’re also completely renovating the cloakroom and redoing the hallway. I say we, it’s mostly hubby, but it’s lively seeing our vision for our home come alive.
4. Nail polish
I thought this deserves a mention in its own right as it’s such a simple one, but something that has had a huge impact. Seeing my painted nails just makes me feel better, feel like I’ve done something for me. I use 60 second nail polish and it really is quickly that’s a long lasting effect.
5. Learning a new way of life with play school
Toddler H is now starting two full days at playschool, allowing me time to spend with Baby B, and get things done. I must add it’s also lovely to have time when I know I won’t be dealing with toddler tantrums or crashes, threenager exhaustion or the sometimes tiresome why why whys. Don’t get me wrong we have a fabulous time together, but it’s nice she’s got new friends, new activities and new stimulation, and is learning to be away from mummy sometimes. Likewise, I’m learning to be apart from my baby, the one who has barely left my side for three years. So far we’ve organised, played, shopped, had coffee, had cuddles and sleeps (Baby B, not me). It’s been lovely really spending time with B on her own. She’s coming it to her own now, crawling everywhere at brake neck speed. I want to remember these moments before she grows up even more. Please don’t start walking yet B!
I’ve also now come to realise that actually I was missing time with Toddler H, we were rushing here and there, in a bubble of feeding Baby B, nappy changes, new routines and new everything really. I’ve started making an effort to get B to nap in her cot, yes something I should have done before now, but, while she does H and I play with something that is new or something which is very ‘3+’ so it’s special time. We’re loving it. I’ve also found that if we’re out and B falls asleep if we have a snack in a cafe then we sit and chat, colour in, and really have ‘us’ time. Yes, B is always with us, but it’s just us. No feeding, no multi-tasking playing one handed while cuddling B. It’s just my girl and I.
As I find more ways to get time with H, I’ll write a bit more, but it’s been a new realisation, so I’m only just discovering this path.
Hubby and I have managed a dinner out in January, which was lovely. And it was fun too as or local pub had stopped serving food, so we had an extra 20 minutes to walk too. We’re hoping for another evening out each month. Hopefully that’s do-able! We really need time on our own too, and not just sat on the sofa exhausted when once the girls are in bed.
For now, I’m happier finding more ways to feel like me as well as mummy; the running is helping, and the nail polish too. So far I’m taking baby steps and finding that it’s the simple changes which are easy to implement that seem to be the best.